


he's like a hurricane, trouble's his middle name;

by waytothedawn



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Illegal Box, M/M, a universe where ray drives a motorcycle, ish anyway mike is a thought on ray's mental raydar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 16:44:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11582100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waytothedawn/pseuds/waytothedawn
Summary: most couples, when they share clothes, have their friends make a couple jokes at their expense and realize how physically different they are.however, in typical melodramatic fashion, ray and ryan cause a citywide police blockade and chase, destroy a business linage with one bullet and break gavin's nose.





	he's like a hurricane, trouble's his middle name;

**Author's Note:**

  * For [donutsandcoffee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/donutsandcoffee/gifts), [pensrcool](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pensrcool/gifts).



> based off a picture someone else had drawn of ray in ryan's jacket, which then spawned me commissioning the amazing samijen to make me a twitter header with the same idea. 
> 
> and dedicated to dee and elena, 'cause y'all cool and remind me how much i love the ray and ryan dynamic
> 
> also the title is from trouble - neon jungle b/c i couldn't find edgy enough song lyrics from my usual library
> 
> i also absolutely meant this to be serious but i'm a human shitpost

Ray’s pretty fucking sure that the cops of Los Santos must’ve paid to get onto the force, because these assholes definitely didn’t make their way through an entire college degree; Ray thinks himself pretty damn smart despite getting a GED the very first time he got the chance, but these goons are, some-fucking-how, stupider than Gavin is on a bad day (or an old crew member, on a good).  

 

“It’s the Vagabond!” _No, it’s Brownman in his jacket. I don’t even have half the muscle mass or ass he does._ “Call in the SWAT team!” _I’m gonna kick Ryan’s ass for taking my hoodie from the safe house. How the fuck does that thing even fit him? He’s a human dorito that’s a good two or three sizes bigger than me, he’s gonna look like an asshole. Well, a bigger one than usual._

 

Today, was supposed to be a nice, clean hit. Get to a rooftop, pop some rich kid’s entitled head off. Now he’s got half the police department on his ass because he and his morally repugnant (better) half had to give the old clothes switcheroo. Ray has spent the better part of _a fucking year_ beating around the bush about how close he and the hurricane of a mercenary, the Vagabond, and this is gonna ruin everything. He can already see Gavin's smug fucking face. God damn it. He just revs of the engine of the bike he just stole, trying to get to his position before the cops actually come to their senses and attempt to do their fucking jobs right for once in their lives.

 

-

 

He's a little early for the time he'd been given despite his hectic encounter--this wasn't a fakes job, he just was bored in their downtime and some old friends asked for a favor--so he set to slowly putting his rifle together; the rendezvous point had originally been but a couple avenues down from the safe house he was currently housed up in with tall dark and scary, but the unexpected police convention in the 7/11 he'd planning to get a monster and a couple donuts from made for some good time to kill. 

 

Apparently most of the downtown area was under surveillance for the Vagabond. 

 

They can have fun looking for what isn't there. 

 

Now, back to the scheduled actual homicide. Ray takes a breath, and looks into scope, taking in the all glass building where his target's supposed to making some kind of business deal that'll probably make him ever richer than he needs to be; there's too much movement, too many faces and bodies blocking what he needs to see and he goes to grab his phone to check the reference picture when--

~♫ here he is, the biggest douche in the _uuuuuu_ niverse ♫~

** [11:47:87] gavinofree: Y'know, most people don't raise hell on their walks of shame. **

****[11:48:72]** gavinofree: Is keeping each other's jackets a consolation prize for the worst sex of your lives? **

** ** [11:49:32] gavinofree: Sorry, Rye's life.  ** **

** ** ** [11:51:81] gavinofree: I called it, by the way. I _knew_ you two were shagging! {attachment the_smug_gavin_face.jpeg} ** ** **

It takes Ray a good moment to collect himself, and not consider kicking Gavin's ass. He settles on ruining the mountain that is his nose, less collateral damage that way. 

** ** ** [11:59:69] brownman: you use the word shagging between ryan and i's names ever again and i will permanently change your legal name to austin randy powers ** ** **

** ** ** [12:00:13] brownman: also i'm gonna go _independence day_ on your god damn nose when i get back to the penthouse ** ** **

** ** ** [12:00:77] brownman: say goodbye to your sharkfin face, asshole ** ** **

** ** ** [12:01:42] gavinofree: You're gonna throw tea on my face, wot? ** ** **

** ** ** [12:01:57] brownman: the movie, with will smith ** ** **

** ** ** [12:01:88] brownman: i'm gonna hit you again, for not seeing the classic film ** ** **

** ** ** ** ** ** [12:02:07] brownman: you're a god damn travesty ** ** ** ** ** **

 

He sighs, quickly taking a look at his mark's picture. The breeze is strong up here, and he has to zip up--Ryan's jacket that is way too big and baggy on him and makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside like when he perfects a game or snipes through five people with one bullet or makes Gavin knock into something expensive in the penthouse and watches Geoff tear him an absolutely new one--so the flaps in the wind don't throw off his aim. 

 

Breathe.

 

He crouches, ever so slightly, mentally calculating the allowances he's got to make to get the shot perfectly. Align his back, angle the barrel straight, angle a few degrees off to the side. 

 

_** Breathe. ** _

 

The asshole goes up to the window--wall? he doesn't fucking know how these stupid yuppie skyscrapers work--and right into his crosshairs.  _Perfect._

 

_ Bang!  _

 

It's almost beautiful for a split second, the glass shattering like the beautiful lovechild of a snowflake and a spiderweb, before it all goes red and the entire board room goes into a panic. Ray shakes himself out of his dramatic and poetic stupor, to first take his rifle apart, pack it up and fucking book it out of here, then to send a text.

**[12:17:49] brownman: okay, quick question**

****[12:17:69] brownman: i wanna do this the right way myself** **

******[12:18:09] brownman: actually two questions** ** **

********[12:18:99] brownman: can you grab michael for like, a minute when i get to the penthouse and how do you throw a good like one-two punch** ** ** **

********[12:19:86] BMVagabond: I have a feeling these two things are very interconnected. Do you mean like, grab as in distract or grab as in hold him down because I can do both.** ** ** **

**********[12:21:19] brownman: you're not wrong** ** ** ** **

********************[12:21:52] brownman: whichever works, i doubt michael's gonna stop gavin from getting his ass kicked** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************[12:21:97] brownman: like baseball is for normal americans, seeing gavin get his just desserts is the crew's national pastime** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

************************************************************[12:22:22] brownman: now give me those punchy deets** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

************************************************************[12:23:44] BMVagabond: Okay, I'm just gonna send you a video, it's quicker. Let me hide in the bathroom real quick.** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************************************************************************[12:23:77] brownman: make sure you make lots of moaning noises, pretend to have phone sex with me** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************************************************************************[12:24:01] brownman: let the visual of my sensual unfit skinny body rock your dick, babe** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************************************************************************[12:27:88] BMVagabond {Attached fist_vid_for_ray.mp4} Okay. 1: I didn't know we were at babe level, good to know. 2: I never want to read or listen to you stay those words ever again or I'm going to have to break up with you and find a more eloquent boyfriend. A real wordsmith.** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************************************************************************[12:28:31] brownman: aw babe don't hurt me like this, you haven't even gotten to the rest of my horrible personality traits** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************************************************************************[12:39:21] brownman: WAIT DID YOU SAY BOYFRIEND** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

 

Ray proceeds to spend the rest of his commute--he ties the jacket around his waist, goes and eats about seven burgers for lunch and takes the subway all the way back to his actual home, like a proper member of society--practicing making a proper fist along with swinging whenever there isn't someone next to him and mentally screaming because Ryan just used the word. 

 

The big old word. 

 

The b word. 

 

_Hoo boy_. Oh man, he'll deal with that later when he doesn't have a smug British invasion of privacy to stop.

 

-

 

Ryan greets him as the door and it takes a lot for Ray not to burst into laughter at the sight before him. He's honestly amazed that the man even managed to get the thing on his arms, much less zip it all the way up; he looks like someone had the misfortune of putting a condom on an eggplant in health class, and it's equally jarring that he's in such a bright color too. 

 

"Hey, you give that back right now mister. You're gonna ruin the elastic--big bad Vagabond and boyfriend or not, I can't have you going around and _besmirching_ my **aesthetic** all willy-nilly. I work very hard to look like garbage, I'll have you know." 

 

"Those are some big words and if I didn't know better, I'd say you read a thesaurus since your last text."

 

"You better know better. Please, you know I never learned how to read." He just tugs on the older man's sleeve--well, his sleeve, whatever--with an almost pout. "Give it back. I don't wanna get Gavin's blood on your good jacket when I break his nose." Ryan shrugs in a 'fair enough' way and they exchange jackets. Ray's a little pissed about the sleeves being slightly stretched out, but a good wash would fix it (but a wash would get rid of the weird scent of gunpowder and cologne that Ryan has on him and that would absolutely lowkey upset Ray--maybe he should just, do this again). He's about to take the first step to giving that smug asshole a good what for, when Ryan grabs his shoulder and he spins on his heel. "What."

 

"So you gotta keep your hands level with your shoulders, right--" Ryan gets behind Ray, and positions him properly. "--and have a wide stance. Twist your hips a bit when you swing and you'll have more power behind your strikes. Lead with a quick jab to daze him, and then give him a right cross." A couple demonstrations and Ray leaves--no, saunters out of the room--ready to strike. 

 

Ryan's halfway through a sip of Diet Coke when he hears a distinct sound of a dying bird squawk, follow by the sound of the same bird hitting the carpeted floor of the living room floor. Geoff, walks in and sighs.

 

"If you two are gonna start dating, you better keep each other on a leash. 'Cause I can't afford Gavin getting sent to the hospital every other week because you two decided to double team him."

 

"Duly noted." And in that moment, Gavin comes in clutching the ruins of his once great and large nose.

 

" _ **Geoffrey, Ray broke my nose, he's being a prick--"**_ His whining is drowned out by both Jeremy and Michael, cackling and obviously video taping the whole thing. 

 

Michael replays the whole thing for Ryan, and it's a pretty good first try. 

 

They find Ray sulking on the couch, playing one handed tetris while the other is wrapped in an ice pack. 

 

"His stupid face hurt my hand."


End file.
